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Consider this scenario: I have been dating a woman for four months. Though, for medical reasons, she is currently a considerable distance (over one thousand miles, at the moment) from me at the moment, we see one another very often when she is near. We get along very well and have grown very close; she is quite precious to me. We connect on an intellectual, emotional, and spiritual level (she and I are atheists). In sum, I'm quite lucky to have someone like her. She is a rarity.

There is a good chance that I will be transferring to a college roughly seven hundred miles from our current location. If I receive the scholarship required to attend the college, I would be a fool not to accept the offer. However, I would be leaving this person I have come to know, like, and admire so much. Committing to a long-distance relationship with this person would be difficult for both of us. I believe that I'm more than capable of doing this: my sense of honor would prohibit me from engaging in behavior that would taint our relationship in any regard I can think of.

Ideally, I would be with this person even after I graduate college and enter graduate study. She wishes to take a similar path. Our summer months would consist of copious time together, and any breaks I would have during the school year would be spent with her, to make up for the time. At present, she is undergoing serious medical treatment on the east coast. I send her letters and poetry (I'm regularly published; this isn't typical college-age poetic expression) on a regular basis; she claims this assists in maintaining her positive attitude toward the treatment, as well as coping with our distance.

I wish very deeply to preserve this relationship. Philosophers, lend me your hearts and consciences. How do I accomplish this? I thank everyone for thoughtful input on this all-too-classic situation. This means very much to me.

Your thoughts?

January 11, 2009

Response from Jean Kazez on January 15, 2009

Since you are a poet, I hope you will not be offended if I focus a bit on the nuances of the way you tell your story. You speak of "this person I have come to know, like, and admire so much." You say "I'm quite lucky to have someone like her. She is a rarity." You say "she is quite precious to me." I don't think this is the "poetry" of love. (Is it?)

Given what you say about your friend's serious medical condition, is it possible what you're feeling is deep friendship, concern, commitment, all very good things, but not exactly love? Maybe some clarity about your feelings would help you make the decision.

I'm not saying it would be simple, even with that clarification, but at least it would be a start. My gut feeling is that a great scholarship is not to be turned down, and both love and friendship can continue at a distance. But there's nothing irrational about putting your friend first, if that's what you think is best. I'd just make sure I moved forward in a clear-eyed way.

If you do decide to transfer, hopefully you can still be helpful, just as you are right now, from a distance of 1000 miles. Whatever you decide, this sounds difficult, and I wish you both the best.

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