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At what point does the parent become more "observer" than "manager" with regard to parenting issues? I've always tried to maintain a "value-driven" approach; no helicopter parenting. I've stressed "doing your best" rather than "making a grade," with regard to schoolwork. I've given books as gifts, encouraged them to find something they love as a guide to helping to find a vocation, etc.

What I'm struggling with is seeing my 19-year old college freshman show some major blind spots with regards to how he conducts his relationships with family. He's arrogant and disrespectful at times, and will never apologize when confronted about his behavior. His first impulse is to make excuses to justify his behavior and, if failing that, will immediately go to blaming the other person for his perceived contribution to the situation. He's extremely smart scholastically, healthy, nice-looking, and is likely to be successful at anything he decides to do.

How does a parent deal with an adult child who's not ready to accept full responsibility for his actions, and is resistant to input? By the way, he's counting on me for grad school, which obviously is very expensive (he chose state school for undergrad; post-divorce, a very wise decision) so cutting the cord is not in the cards, as I committed to helping him get through as debt-free as possible. And, there is a 16-year old younger brother watching how this unfolds...

December 24, 2010

Response from Miriam Solomon on January 6, 2011

You sound as though you are thinking of two choices (1) tell your son to shape up or you'll cut the financial cord OR (2) bite your tongue and keep your promise to help him through grad school. But there are many more choices than this. In fact, there need be no association between your efforts to improve your son's behavior and your financial support of his education. You can make it clear to him that keeping a relationship with you is contingent on mutual respectfulness, and simply walk out of the room when he is disrespectful. If you would not tolerate the behavior from a friend or a partner, then don't tolerate it from him.

Do you think that money is your only "leverage" when trying to influence your son? I hope not: let's hope he has respect for you as a person.

Obviously you are proud of your son's achievements and promise. But I have seen smart, healthy good looking people fail to achieve their potential because of moral/interpersonal flaws such as the ones you mention. You want him to succeed in life, so it makes sense to try to help him change (if he seems willing).

Likewise, I don't think the only options you have is to "observe" or to "manage." Your son is an adult whom you love deeply. There are many possible relationships that are appropriate at this stage of parenting. You can tell your son what you wish for him without trying to directly manage his behavior.

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