My Loving Friend, Man, do I wish I head that back-story that is "more complex"! It seems to me that there are several possible scenarios that have brought you to this point, and the details of those scenarios might make a difference in what I am about to say. But lacking the details...I press onward! First, let's take it as a given that your partner in the committed relationship does not know you have found extra-curricular love, and will be hurt to discover this, and you are anxious to avoid this hurt. Nonetheless, I believe it is your duty to tell this person right away what has transpired. A list of reasons why you should disclose this information: the physical: if this love with the other person has been consummated, you are introducing a third person's sexual history into your relationship. This might have health consequences for everyone. the historical: you forged a responsibility to him/her when that commitment was made. The fact that you cannot uphold it "forever" may be...

My amorous friend, I had the good luck recently to spend some time reading the philosopher Robert Solomon. He has written many books on the subject of emotions. About Love is a particularly good one that addresses just the kind of question you raise. His prose is accessible, and you will find both deep wisdom and folksy common sense there. I recommend this book especially for you. So my answer here is not original in any way, but relies heavily on Solomon's views. What I get out of his work is that we frequently rely on the metaphors (falling in love, struck by Cupid's arrows, thunderbolts) and on the feelings (dumb-struck, possessed, overwhelmed) to understand love, but over reliance on these metaphors and feelings may obscure certain truths about love. Love - like all emotions - is a sort of judgment. We deliberate. We decide. We commit -- to love! How marvelous! If we allow love or other emotions to be seen as 'passions' which overwhelm us we give up our responsibility for our...

I like Nicholas's response as-is, but will chime in here with a book recommendation: Robert Solomon's book About Love is an absolutely fantastic work. It is written to be accessed by anyone interested in love, marriage, or relationships. It is wonderfully clear and has been the intellectual highlight of my summer. I think it would help you thinking through your decisions ahead. Good luck.

One way to answer your question about loving others vs. loving oneself is to ask another question: What do you mean by ‘self’ ? There are at least two ways to think about how social life is organized. (1) The atomistic picture of the self (imagine atoms or billiard balls colliding against one another) tells us that we are each self-contained units – that we are fundamentally separate from one another and are ideally guided by reason and self-interest. I think your friend is an atomist when is comes to selves. That’s why your classmate thinks Antigone is looking out for her own concerns even when she makes her sacrifice. There is an alternative. (2) The relational picture of the self (imagine a tangle of knots on a string, with some knots overlapping) tells us that we are all connected – that we are fundamentally in relationships with others and our actions are ideally guided by social connectedness and inter-woven interests. I...